“I’m not seeing a heartbeat..” The silence that feels like an eternity though it’s only been seconds. The back and fourth of looking at the screen and the ultrasound tech. The instant panic and fear.
I’ve been there. If you’ve been there too, I am so sorry. No matter how far along – it. is. never. easy. I had what they call a “missed miscarriage” meaning by body still thought I was pregnant and my little babe was still there. I happily walked into my first ultrasound (alone – thanks COVID) just to be heart broken. I thought everything was fine. I had no reason not to. I already had an appointment and confirmed pregnancy. I didn’t have any signs. I was crushed.
But listen – a loss does not define your value. You are worthy of becoming a mother. You were their mother. That was your baby.
It is okay to feel all the feelings for as long as you need to. There is no right way to heal. You may be tired and feel alone. You probably feel broken. It’s hard not to blame yourself sometimes. But, you didn’t do anything wrong. I know what it’s like to rack your brain on WHY this happened, HOW it happened, WHAT could have I done better? This is not your fault. You’re drained. You’re emotional. You may be laying in your bed in the dark, crying, thinking, dreaming. That’s fine. I know you have such a heavy feeling sitting on top of you. You’re not sure how you will get back to your “normal” life again. There is no rush.
Did you read that?! There is NO rush. Don’t put pressure on yourself. If you want to be alone right now – that’s okay. If you’re mad, that’s okay too. There isn’t one way to grieve. One minute you may think you’re doing alright just to turn around and break down.
Time. You need time. You need time to heal. Time to process. Time to move forward. You will get through this. Whenever you’re ready and have more energy, know that your family and friends or whoever you want to tell, will wrap you in warmth and love. You didn’t let anyone down.
Take a bath, or a long hot shower. Do some online shopping. Take some time to rest. Go hit up the drive-thru Starbucks or DD. Get a milkshake. Listen to a good song. Go for a run. Do whatever you want. Focus on yourself the best you can. Even if you have other children, it’s important to make YOU a priority right now.
It may take weeks or months, but you’re going to start feeling better. You won’t always be faking smiles.
You’re a warrior. You will rise again. On your toughest days, you will survive. You deserve goodness. It will come. You will find hope again. You will have joy again. And it will be great.
